The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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