Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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