forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
