Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
