My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
