Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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