Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
