hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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