I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
