No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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