Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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