took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
