she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
