Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
