The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
