apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
