life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
