I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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