I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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