Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
