the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
