to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
