she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize