I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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