I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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