I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
