Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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