I accidentally had phone sex last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
