I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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