Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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