so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
