So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize