I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
