I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
