my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
