I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
