God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
