I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
