Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
