note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
