i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
