4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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