All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
