Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
