so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
