I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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