I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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