I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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