yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
