I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
