It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
