i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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