i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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