There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
