I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
