I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
