saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
