The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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