it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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