WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
