Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
