It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
