I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
