So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
