I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
