I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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