I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
