i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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