the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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