the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
