thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
